Application for Wellness Line of Credit
Description: I am seeking $20,000 to cover operational expenses for My Wellness. My Wellness is my idealized state of functioning in the universe, as described by any lifestyle publication ever that came into existence after goop. Or maybe the whole point is the journey, in which case I will actually need $40,000 - travel is expensive. At present time, My Wellness is operating at what can only be estimated as 50% capacity because of constrained financial resources (i.e. rent, required monthly offering to the nether regions of the city) and general distaste for any prolonged periods of focused attention.
Current valuation: Pretty well hydrated, lacking whatever nutrients not readily available in restaurants I can see out of my window.
Expected Value: With access to the right moon herbs, hydroponic tubers and personalized mantras, anything might be possible. I might be able to start a successful military-style fitness studio, or write novels, or write mystery novels about military-style fitness studios, like “Why Am I Doing This? Or “Who Stepped On My Sweat Angel Before I Could Instagram It?” Even if these ideas don’t generate income per se, health is wealth, so let’s just let the universe do the math on that one.
Risk Profile: All of my social media life advisors have assured me that My Wellness is literally the best investment I can make. So presumably, same for you.
Plan for repayment: Karma and manifestations of abundance. Spiritually open repayment plan to let things unfold organically, if it’s meant to be...
Is anyone else ready to submit one of these to the Best Life Federal Credit Union? How can anyone reasonably expect me to glow if I can’t afford snail excrement seasoning or a clean diesel powered juicer? We’ve manifested so much damn wellness variation that prices go up before we have any hope of getting our powders/tonics/dry brushing routines straight.
Wellness doesn’t have to be hard, and it doesn’t have to cost you an arm, a leg and a goop. It's actually pretty uncomplicated; I’m talking home cooked meals with ingredients you can actually touch, made with simple, affordable and high quality tools. Brigade doesn’t make you choose between staying home with a good knife or going on vacation and eating the rest of your food whole.
But what about the handblown mortar and pestle I just bought?
Keep it, it sounds really practical. You can emulsify and spiralize all you want, but you’re not going to get very far without the basics*, because while there is very little you can’t do with a comfortable, sharp knife, there is a lot you can do with an uncomfortable or dull knife, like smush your tomatoes, arm wrestle a potato, or remove the top third of your finger, to name a few.
What am I supposed to do if cutting sweet potatoes is my bicep work out?
Keep a kettlebell next to the fridge, but remember, there’s no greater gift you can give yourself or investment you can make in your own well-being than building a strong foundation in the kitchen - and keeping all of your digits. Time to throw your plastic-handled-emery-board-strength knives into the trash, along with that frying pan that makes you stop in your tracks just thinking about having to clean it later. They don’t work, they aren’t inspiring any culinary creativity, and your grandma’s recipe does not call for “vigorously scraping black sludge out of a tin pan.” Or maybe it does, in which case I can’t make it for Thanksgiving this year...
*Basic - meaning “essential or foundational” and not “I’ve just instagrammed a latte and a small dog.” (If you did the latter, I will follow you.)
-Spenser De La Vega